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发表于 2008-3-24 11:34:47 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式 来自 中国福建福州来自: 中国福建福州
窗外,
琉璃扎伤阳光
支离破碎
光影
跌落在枝桠
伤痕累累

折一个纸鸢,
放飞
摇摆一首
风的歌

何去何从

狠狠咀嚼着忧伤
而忧伤
丝毫不减

疼痛
让我清醒

随风
沉淀下来的
过往
与忧伤
化为苍穹下
一弯瘦月亮
清冷
而纯粹
在夜的
另一端

彼岸
彼岸,
是否繁花似锦?

那盛开
蓝莲花的
墨脱圣地
是否一如既往
干净得
纯粹?

而我的晒台
金色的晒台
阳光
普照的山岗
究竟
在哪?

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发表于 2008-3-24 11:40:07 | 显示全部楼层 来自 中国福建厦门来自: 中国福建厦门
[whitepad]***1600;1200;1600,1200;;** m19,29 l20,29,25,34,25,35,27,37 e|********* m16,50 l16,49,18,47,20,46,20,45,21,45,23,43,24,43,25,42,28,42,29,43,29,44,30,45,30,54,29,55,28,55,28,58,27,59,27,61,26,63,26,68 30,64,31,64,31,63,33,62,34,62 e|********* m51,14 l50,15,49,15,49,17,47,19,46,21,45,22,45,24,44,24,43,25,43,27,40,33,40,34,39,36,38,37,38,38,37,39,37,42 e|********* m44,25 l44,24,45,25,45,26,46,27,47,27,47,28,48,29,48,30,50,32,50,33,51,33,55,37,56,39,57,39,58,40,60,40,62,41,62,42,64,42,65,43 71,43 e|********* m46,56 l46,55,48,53,49,53,50,52,50,51,51,51,53,50,54,50 e|********* m51,44 l50,43,49,43,48,44,48,57,50,59,50,60,51,60,51,62,52,62,52,64,56,64,56,63,57,62,58,62,59,60,60,60,61,59,63,58,64,57 e|********* m68,55 l71,55,71,54,72,54,75,53,76,53,77,52,81,50,82,49,84,48,85,47,85,46,87,46,88,45,88,44,89,44,90,43 e|********* m82,36 l82,58,83,59,84,63,85,64,86,66,86,67,85,67,85,68,85,67,92,60,93,60,95,58,95,57,96,57 e|********* m104,28 l105,27,106,28,106,31,107,31,109,33,109,34,110,34,111,36,112,36,112,38 e|********* m104,48 l106,46,107,46,109,44,111,43,112,43,113,42,115,42,115,41,116,41,117,40,120,40,121,39,120,39,114,45,114,46,113,47,111,51,110,51,110,52,109,53 108,56,108,64,114,64,116,63,116,62,117,62,119,60,121,60,121,59,120,58,119,58,119,57,118,57,117,56,117,55,115,53,115,50,114,50,120,56,121,58 122,58,122,60,126,64 e|********* m171,18 l170,18,169,19,168,19,168,21,167,23,166,23,164,27,163,30,161,32,158,38,158,39,156,41,156,43 e|********* m149,35 l149,33,150,32,162,28,167,28,185,26,197,26 e|********* m177,31 l176,31,175,32,175,41,174,42,174,81,175,81,175,82 e|********* m176,42 l177,42,177,41,179,41,181,43,181,44,182,45,182,46,183,47,184,49,184,50,185,52,185,63,186,64,186,69,187,71,187,76 e|********* m173,57 l173,56,174,55,175,55,176,54,178,54,182,52,183,51 e|********* m173,63 l179,63,179,62,181,61,183,59,185,59 e|********* m226,35 l225,34,225,35,221,43,220,46,220,48,218,50,218,52,215,55 e|********* m216,53 l218,53,219,54,220,54,220,55,222,56,222,59,223,60,223,66,224,68,225,69,225,74,226,75,226,79 e|********* m243,29 l243,45,244,45,244,44,245,43,246,43,248,42,249,42,251,40,253,40,253,39 e|********* m246,49 l246,56,247,56,247,60,248,60,248,69,249,70,249,75 e|********* m241,64 l241,76 e|********* m263,65 l265,65,267,66,270,66,271,67,275,67 e|********* m132,108 l132,107,134,107,137,106,139,104,144,104,145,103,147,103,148,102,159,102 e|********* m133,121 l133,123,134,125,134,128,139,138,139,139,141,140,141,142,143,144,143,145,144,146 e|********* m134,131 l134,128,135,127,136,125,137,125,140,122,142,122,148,119,154,119,155,118,170,118,170,124,168,126,168,128,166,129,166,130,164,132,162,133,162,134,160,136,160,137 159,138,156,139 e|********* m142,134 l142,132,144,130,145,130,147,127,150,127,153,126,157,125,159,124,162,124,166,122,169,121,170,121,171,120 e|********* m145,140 l145,141,146,141,147,140,149,139,152,136,152,135,153,135,155,133,157,133,159,131 e|********* m150,115 l151,116,151,121,152,123,152,167,151,169,151,170,150,172,148,174 e|********* m138,157 l139,157,141,158,146,158,150,160,181,160,183,161,186,162,193,162 e|********* m207,115 l207,120,209,122,209,125,210,125,211,127,211,129,212,129,212,130,214,131,214,133,215,133,215,135 e|********* m227,115 l226,115,224,118,223,119,222,121,220,123,220,125,218,127,218,132,217,133 e|********* m201,140 l200,140,201,140,203,139,204,139,205,138,207,137,210,137,211,136,212,136,212,135,216,134,217,134,221,132,222,131,224,131,225,129,228,129,228,128 e|********* m212,110 l212,108,213,108,213,109,216,118,216,126,217,129,217,133,219,141,220,142,220,149,221,150,221,155,223,158,223,160,224,162,224,164,225,165,225,167,224,168 e|********* m216,133 l216,156 e|********* m216,137 l219,137,220,139,226,144,227,144,229,146,232,147,233,147,233,146 e|********* m241,114 l246,114,248,112,254,110,256,109,259,108,261,107,263,107,263,108,262,108,261,109,260,112,256,116,256,117,252,121,251,123,249,123,249,124,248,124,249,123,255,120 256,120,256,119 e|********* m240,136 l239,136,238,137,239,137,241,135,248,132,260,128,262,126,264,125,265,124,266,124,266,123,267,122,268,122,269,121,270,121,271,120,272,118,274,118,274,117,277,117 277,116 e|********* m257,98 l255,98,254,99,253,99,253,100,252,101,252,122,253,125,253,146,254,148,254,152,255,154,255,155,256,158,257,159,257,162,258,164,258,165,259,165,259,171,259,169 e|********* m255,132 l255,131,256,131,259,133,262,138,263,139,263,141,264,143,266,145,266,147,268,149,268,152,269,153,269,156,271,157,271,160,272,161,273,163,273,164,274,166,274,168 e|********* m256,147 l256,146,257,146,260,143,268,139,273,138,274,137,275,137 e|********* m259,152 l259,153,261,153,263,152,264,152,266,151,267,151,268,149,270,149,272,148,273,147,276,147 e|********* m304,94 l304,93,305,93,309,95,316,97,317,98,320,98,321,99,322,99 e|********* m308,112 l307,113,307,116,308,117,308,119,309,120,309,121,310,123,311,124,311,126,313,128 e|********* m312,117 l312,116,313,116,317,124,317,126,318,126 e|********* m320,119 l321,119,321,120,320,120,320,121,319,123,317,126 e|********* m290,148 l290,149,304,149,305,148,307,147,308,147,309,146,309,145,310,145,312,144,313,143,316,143,319,141,320,141,322,139,323,139,325,138,325,137,326,137,328,135,329,135 329,134,330,134,332,132 e|********* m318,134 l318,139,320,145,320,146,321,149,321,153,322,153,322,158,323,160,323,163 e|********* m316,143 l316,160 e|********* m319,146 l323,146,323,147,326,147,329,148,331,148,335,150,348,150,351,151,352,152,354,152,356,153,357,154,361,154 e[/whitepad]
发表于 2008-3-24 11:43:35 | 显示全部楼层 来自 中国广东深圳来自: 中国广东深圳
楼主的诗写的太好了。
发表于 2008-3-24 12:12:02 | 显示全部楼层 来自 中国福建福州来自: 中国福建福州
文字描绘的很美,身如其境了!
发表于 2008-3-24 13:54:09 | 显示全部楼层 来自 中国福建福州来自: 中国福建福州

评“惑”

“光影
跌落在枝影”愚以为将“枝影”改为“枝梢”更为贴切。
“化为苍穹下
一弯瘦月亮”将“亮”字去掉是否更顺畅
“彼岸
彼岸,
是否繁花似景?”“景”字可否改为此“锦”
哎,中国的现状啊,文学初学者经常犯的通病:喜欢对辞藻进行加工,或是堆砌或是肢解
总之一句话,笔者是把意思表达出来了。。。
发表于 2008-3-24 14:01:08 | 显示全部楼层 来自 中国福建福州来自: 中国福建福州
是自己编的吗?
 楼主| 发表于 2008-3-24 14:51:18 | 显示全部楼层 来自 中国福建福州来自: 中国福建福州

回5楼

谢谢您的精彩点评!
我会努力学着改进!


个人一直没有回头审视肆意写下的文字的习惯,
笔间记载的,只是个人的喜好与即时的心情,
也许没有太多的深度
但是释放了
我的忧伤!
 楼主| 发表于 2008-3-24 14:53:42 | 显示全部楼层 来自 中国福建福州来自: 中国福建福州
原帖由 星腾 于 2008-3-24 11:43 发表
楼主的诗写的太好了。

一直不敢称自己写的这些文字为诗,充其量为断句吧!
发现,
回车键,
按起来
真顺溜
!
 楼主| 发表于 2008-3-24 14:55:43 | 显示全部楼层 来自 中国福建福州来自: 中国福建福州
原帖由 dongguiyun 于 2008-3-24 14:01 发表
是自己编的吗?

是真实情感的释放!
发表于 2008-3-24 15:00:57 | 显示全部楼层 来自 中国福建福州来自: 中国福建福州
继续努力
期待有更好的作品!
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